Take a walk with me

Just as the picture that heads my blog, I dearly enjoy walks as both a chance to relax, 'take it in' and at the same time get some exercise. Some of the leisurely walks I have taken in the last five years have been with my daughter (she took the picture). She's always up for a walk. And being from Holland, rain for example, has no effect on the decision to go out and happily I have been able to pass that on to her so that when the rare opportunity arises, we don't hesitate.

When I was living in Holland (the real place, not the allegory) I relished going to the seashore during winter storms, putting on my motorcycle helmet to combat the flying branches and walk along the beach until I could feel the stinging wind no longer, couldn't remember if there was a reason why I came to be there.

This kind of behaviour continued in Canada, with the temperature at 25 below zero, where I would go out at night into the empty streets walking around the neighbourhood, the dazzling orange street lamps shouting at me, "Go back in you fool, it's too cold!"

In contrast to here, in Israel, where the summer temp reaches 40 celsius (104F), I would go out for a run  behind the village up the hills and beyond, in the midday sun.

Nature is of course beautiful, but in its intricate relationship of beauty and danger, demands respect. In this way, as I walk through the forest and see deer, coyotes, poisonous snakes, the baking sun, I think not only, "watch your step" but as a reflection of the choices we make in life, to look at myself and ask, "how am I fitting in?"
 Where do I fit in? When I leave the house I have to return to it as well, for Segev's sake. Not get back on a motorcycle and risk injuring myself, "if you have an accident who will take care of Segev?" When I am in a treatment with patients everyone knows, two calls in rapid succession signal an urgent issue with Segev. Obviously this has led to the phenomenon that each time the phone rings it makes me apprehensive.

On my walks I try to put things into perspective, to see if it is better to have my worries "fit", to plan,  feeling as though eyes of nature are watching. To understand exactly what is really needed and what isn't.  I try to see things through others' eyes, really wishing to be able to follow the path of change, so often needed. Eyes such as those of my daughter, who surprises me with her keen, evolving mind and developing intuition. I know that she sees the troubles I go through from quite a different line of sight, disconnected from my own inner complications.

Nature can give you some direction because in nature very rarely do you see something that isn't true to its intention. So how do I fit in?  What is my intention?  When you have the answer to a question like that it is not always a case of simply to remember the answer. My walks serve to remind me of an answer that somehow, sometimes, becomes occluded and less palpable.

It gets more complicated. You can see the answer but your implementation must remain steady, veering of course is a constant struggle. I've been afraid before that losing myself to the cause of keeping Segev going is a bad thing. This arises when you feel so utterly driven to find that 'reasonable existence' for your child that things break along the way, flying off like debris. There is a fear thatI know I could not live with myself if I thought, at the end of it all, that I hadn't given everything that I have to give for this endeavor to care for such a fragile human being. How you keep this going is a personal decision. If someone asks my advice then it will be, do as I say, not as I do. As a healthcare practitioner that is my job, to tell others what is the healthier course of action, what method or direction or system or technique or diet or exercise or way of looking at things will allow the best outcome.

It's madness, utter madness, I'm told. What am I trying to do, 'Save the world'? No, not really. Just my son, my little son who can't defend himself, can't speak up for himself, can't decide. As I have said, he can't win, he can't lose and he can't choose. At least when we have a choice we feel empowered, in control. But when you have no manner in which to show whether or not you have the ability to decide, what do you have?  What ever it is, Segev has it and I intend to work it out, either until he let's me know what it is, or until he loses it.