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When you look at a situation or incident and it would appear to you that a part of it has leaked out, as though your assessment of what it is, what it means, how you connect to it has somehow become less and you know that there are implausible amounts of grief heaped upon your consciousness, that this perception must necessarily be untrue.

When you build up a system with meticulous care that allows you to control your environment, to establish order and set chase, eradicating error and misjudgment to a point where you are satisfied a modus vivendi has been created, there is only one inevitable outcome. All your efforts are merely a prelude to a cacophony of disruption, anguish and anger, even though not fueled by hope, full of trepidation, retraced steps without retraction of consequence.

When you hold strongly to your vision and see clear as crystal how things should be, pressure will build until that crystal is cracked like a sintering crust underfoot and your confidence is threatened to shatter, at the very least you are shaking and feel to falter on this long hard road, this journey to stay whole.

When you cry  seeing your son lying serenely sleeping, the only perfect peace he knows, when you cannot understand how he has persevered, despite mortal blows.

Then that flavour and colour that you so proudly felt well up as a child, bold and adventurous, finding value in all things, pales and bows, one knee on the ground, afraid to look up and see eye to eye with fear.

When you challenge life it answers that challenge. When you will not back down, your back will be pushed against a wall, your legs broken and asked if you will yield. When you challenge life you better know what your asking for because you will receive such as you request. 

When you look for rhyme or reason what will you say with empty hands when you are bereft of understanding despite knowledge and experience and your only recourse is love?

When you love, whether you can understand it or not, describe it or not, are you satisfied that you are doing all that you are meant to do? Or is knowing that this question exists, realizing its importance, as far as you can go?