March 19, 2011


Yesterday was bad.

What this does not show is the "R & R", the rant and rage, that I found myself in.

Here is something I wrote the other day:

It has taken me thirteen years - I'm slow like that - but I have written the anger out of myself. This is a process which appears to have reached its climax recently, not a momentary deception of elation, but a real thing. I feel like even when harmful, negative behaviour I have seen or felt,  is simply not able to raise anger in me any longer.

Then what are you left with when you are so very very tired physically and your son won't stop vomiting each time he coughs? Unable to properly coordinate his breathing and swallowing of saliva causing more choking. Has an entirely new seizure, where he is still conscious and aware and there is the expression of fear on his face. Loses his balance and racks up one seizure after another, filling the day. And the night. Having replaced his g-tube, which now leaks even more, is more sensitive as his complaints readily show. Gulps down air like there is no tomorrow building pressure and making each meal stretch out for hours so that you finish after one in the morning hoping some of it will stay down and introduce a minimal amount of nutrition.

All in one day? I guess you are reduced to animalistic instincts and you lash out verbally. You growl and ache and shout and scream bloody murder. Even at your kids. That's what I was left with.  Ready to fall down from fatigue apparently. But it passed and I know that it has passed because I don't feel some kind of sheepish guilt about it. But not swallowing any pat pill of justification either. That would make for a lack of control, emotionally. I've had it out with myself, reprimanded myself yes, but not defeated myself (yes you actually can defeat yourself).

Like Ken has said and I whole heartedly agree with, as I see it not only in my own life but in that of patients', there is something in the air which is putting us on edge. Things need to come to a head and the trick is to see that our thinking can  spiral into negativity. I'm certain this is no easy task to recognize and stop. But it will be stopped if only for the reason that negativity is all around us if we choose to see it as such and that simply will not do. I believe we are much more masters of our destiny than we know. 

It's doable. 



  1. ((())) Thinking of you and Segev. I agree that "we are much more masters of our destiny than we know." Occasionally, though, when our bodies are pushed past the breaking point, it's very difficult to see our way out of the negativity, to imagine things can be different, that there might be hope, or at least choice.

  2. So then here's to finding that way!

  3. I am finding, more and more, that Buddhism is the only way for me to cope. When I forget to breathe, the world stops.

  4. Buddhism, or other Eastern philosophies, is not a bad way to cope at all. There are some unique strategies there that are all about the stress management.

  5. Perhaps the Ides of March? My "shrink", a few years ago, suggested a shot of a single malt scotch mid-morning to stop the world from spinning, but just one. A natural, but very short term remedy which requires little effort and no thought...blessing and warmth! A big hug for Segev....

  6. Elizabeth - breathing is for the uninitiated - Segev is a master of "holding breath, recreate universe" technique.

    Ken - I agree, differing systems striving for often the same goals. When you find something that works for you it doesn't matter what it is called. For me, the base or original elements are what interest me. That's why I've been studying the origins of religions for a long long time. Unfortunately for me I still haven't learned to accept outside systems and mine is clunky at best.
    Phil - if I had single malt I'm not certain I'd be writing this post.

  7. The single malt idea reminds me of a time in this country when, since tea was unpatriotic and water often suspect, people drank beer at breakfast. With, courtesy of the Native Americans, popcorn.