It seems Segev, that if more than a few hours pass that you are not with me, I start to feel lost. I feel a fear creeping over me that I am forgetting what you look like. It feels as though each moment may be the last and the intensity of this feeling is as powerful as anything I have ever felt.
How can you have a sense of loss, when you haven't lost something yet?
Segev I have held you in my arms until my arms became stiff with ache and I did not care. When your brother and sister kiss you I have to hold back tears. Both from happiness, which I shouldn't hold back, and from sadness which I want to hold back as though tears are me admitting to something I don't want to admit to. This is not fair to you, my son. This is me being heavy, weighted down by a view of things which does not suit your nature, your absolutely positive being, so kind, never asking for more than you need. Never complaining without just cause. Never doubting that only the best is being done for you even when it isn't certain that is the case. Never being careless or spiteful, never holding back.
I have not been the father to you that I hoped to be, I did not provide you with the happiness that I wanted to, but of course it is doubtful that anyone can for another person. This is real life after all. But I just thought that there would be one thing in life that would work out the way it was supposed, the way I thought would be satisfying. You may think you have nothing to complain about and it is true that you are spared a great deal of misery because life is very simple when you are doing little more than surviving. You smile and you may not remember this but there was a time that you would laugh. No, not from a seizure, a real laugh that was more powerful than any drug could possibly be because it came in absolute contradiction to what anyone else in your condition could possibly muster, facing such hardship.
There are no words to describe how proud I am to have you as my son, to be able to share time with you. I have worked hard to make something positive out of this experience for you. You may not understand this, but I know that you understand that we love you.
It is your thirteenth birthday and I have always lit a little candle for you and watched you for a reaction to my wish for a happy birthday for you. And I have blown out that candle for you because you can't and I haven't cried even once about this, until now.
You are beyond sweet and you have accomplished more than I could have hoped for with a fortitude that is beyond understanding. I don't think someone can know how much you have fought to get to where you are now. You are thirteen years old. Just a little boy who has to experience simple things both good and bad as we all do growing up. You'll have to do without wisdom complicated by contradictions so rampant in our world. You get to grow up in a world which is not confounded by doubt. You get to see the world without any ugliness or frustration because you see things only in their pure form. This is a beacon of light which can be difficult to look at for someone not so pure, who feels guilt that you should have to suffer. I know this is unreasonable to think, but that is my nature, just as you have yours.
This is your thirteenth birthday and I hope that in telling you these things I can finally be done with them because I feel actually very positive. More so than ever before. It has taken me a while to understand these things, Segev. Your father is a little slow in these matters. So I thank you for sticking around, to let me learn the things I most needed to learn. That is a wonderful gift you have given, to know that we must be true to our nature. Of course you could not be anything else but yourself.
It is your thirteenth birthday and I am very happy for you on this day. You may not show any sign that it is a special day for you, but I guess that's what any parent can be blessed with, knowing that it is a great day because it is the day you came along for the ride, and you decided to stay.
Happy birthday Segev, be healthy, be strong (as I know you will), we love you.