This tension we feel, about uncertainty, is very real and i could feel it in my chest as a tightness that began independant of the physical effort I made while struggling at the gym today. I looked down at my feet moving elliptically on the stepper and the floor felt heavy.
So I felt this heaviness and in concentrating on it defined its boundaries, felt the form it has in my body and began to manipulate it, trying to change it into a more flowing energy, moving circularly instead of pulling me down, with moderate success. I felt my mood lift slightly as I coerced my concern to abate.
The worry over Segev, since yesterday that he began once again vomiting massively; vomiting his meals, his anti epileptic medications, his anti vomiting medication, the ginger, the phlegm diluter, the water, the potassium citrate to prevent kidney stones, suddenly gripped me yet I couldn't help feeling that it was exaggerated. The worry is real but I guess I am just a little bit too tired to read it in the right context. Either the mental/physical fatigue makes me less resistant to the programmed fear or the fear that I can't deal with it like in the past has popped into view, paradoxically together with the recent more balanced perception that, control isn't everything and I've come to the point where if I don't start putting myself first, there won't be a lot left to help Segev with.
|CLEARLY ©2010 Noa Fischer|
So what I'm really saying is that I don't know what it is that's bothering me. I keep telling myself that it is the accumulation of fatigue. Everyone seems to agree with that. The trouble is, in the last two weeks, as Segev settled into a relatively sublime state of being, having finished over fifty days of vomiting, I had several good nights of sleep. For as far back as I can safely remember, the number of such nights barely exceed the fingers of one hand. But while I feel like a completely different person after, feeling like a person who I would like to be, I want more. Like a drug, I want more sleep. And that I can't have it is pissing me off.
Am I simply getting older? Is it really that simple? I feel like, no, definitely that does not cover it. Something nefarious is brewing, I'm certain. There is change in the air. And for once, I don't like it one bit.