March 16, 2011

What's that smell?

It's not that I want to exaggerate here, but I feel like something is pulling me down. The realization that it could be something from within, some kind of instinctual reaction of my own, is even more frightening.

This tension we feel, about uncertainty, is very real and i could feel it in my chest as a tightness that began independant of the physical effort I made while struggling at the gym today. I looked down at my feet moving elliptically on the stepper and the floor felt heavy.

So I felt this heaviness and in concentrating on it defined its boundaries, felt the form it has in my body and began to manipulate it, trying to change it into a more flowing energy, moving circularly instead of pulling me down, with moderate success. I felt my mood lift slightly as I coerced my concern to abate.

The worry over Segev, since yesterday that he began once again vomiting massively; vomiting his meals, his anti epileptic medications, his anti vomiting medication, the ginger, the phlegm diluter, the water, the potassium citrate to prevent kidney stones, suddenly gripped me yet I couldn't help feeling that it was exaggerated. The worry is real but I guess I am just a little bit too tired to read it in the right context. Either the mental/physical fatigue makes me less resistant to the programmed fear or the fear that I can't deal with it like in the past has popped into view, paradoxically together with the recent more balanced perception that, control isn't everything and I've come to the point where if I don't start putting myself first, there won't be a lot left to help Segev with.

CLEARLY                ©2010 Noa Fischer
Palpitations sometimes keep me from sleeping but since I know that the heart condition I have is stable and minor it is imperative I continue my meditation to manipulate this lump of stagnating energy I feel and keep it flowing through my body. I really thought that the epic hospital stay, after it had wrung me out and left just the essentials of spirit clunking on in some asynchronous modus vivendi had cleared away all extraneous confounding issues. No more fear, I thought. No regrets.

So what I'm really saying is that I don't know what it is that's bothering me. I keep telling myself that it is the accumulation of fatigue. Everyone seems to agree with that. The trouble is, in the last two weeks, as Segev settled into a relatively sublime state of being, having finished over fifty days of vomiting, I had several good nights of sleep. For as far back as I can safely remember, the number of such nights barely exceed the fingers of one hand. But while I feel like a completely different person after, feeling like a person who I would like to be, I want more. Like a drug, I want more sleep. And that I can't have it is pissing me off.

Am I simply getting older? Is it really that simple? I feel like, no, definitely that does not cover it. Something nefarious is brewing, I'm certain. There is change in the air. And for once, I don't like it one bit.


  1. I hope Segev improves very fast, that the vomiting is over as I write this, and that you get the sleep you crave and need, and that the change in the air is altered to one that's a good change!

  2. I don't know what to say. When I read your words, I know that feeling, nearly exactly, despite our very different "situations." I will only say that your friends are here, there and everywhere, happy and willing to help and support you. No matter what.

  3. Dear Eric, sorry I can't send you one of my comment "books" lol! I'm due to start my 2X12 day shifts.

    You have to put yourself first, and I promise to post those apps I mentioned as I've really found it useful to make me take timeout.

    Sorry to hear about Segev and your heart condition.

    If you ever want the best thing to knock you out, try the Sly Stallone biography on the biography channel. I love Sly, like a huge fan and his early life was really interesting however the documentary was the most boring thing ever, I tried to watch it 14 times and each night within 3 minutes I'd be out for the count! (oops a Rocky pun!).

    We're all here for you, and I've recently been referred to as a connoisseur of hugs recently, a title I'm happy to adopt, so here's some hugs for you and Segev, oxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoooxooxxoxox



  4. Thank you for the comments

  5. I wish that I had a solution or an insight which could bring instant relief, I have none. It feels to me like something I've discussed recently...soul-weary. At the very core there is a state of constant vigilance, agitation and apprehension...I can only describe it, I have no useful remedy. You are in my thoughts, as is Segev...

  6. Newest Follower!
    I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. Stay strong. You have a lot of people praying for you :)

  7. Stacey - kind words, welcome.

  8. Keeping you and Segev in my prayers, also take care of yourself. It's uber important.