December 12, 2010

My mother is not well

For over a year now my mother, whom everyone affectionately calls 'Hansje', has lost the ability to speak because of ALS. We rarely communicate because of her condition and as she lives in Holland. This afternoon I received this message which I am sharing here now, as well as my response.

Dearest Eric  I love you and also in another life my spirit shall be
with you.

Just the facts; i am running backwards in a fast tempo and next week 
get the surgery to place the (G-tube), but as things are going as they go now there
is not much hope anymore. 

 i cannot walk behind the rollator and my strength is totally

it is all too much for Dad he cannot cope with it really and he is trying.

My nerves and muscles are just broken and can only lay down in the 
special chair i have.

Eric do not think about it please, what will happen happens.

All my love Mom

My response:

I can remember all the times I thought, why is she behaving so awkwardly, being spontaneous, offering advice, listening to strangers tell her their stories? Why does she laugh when she gets lost? Why does she speak before she thinks? Why does she have all these 'wise sayings' that she tells people and their reaction is to be taken aback? Why does she act out with her hands what she is already explaining with words? 

But I understand now that the reason you did these things is because you are Hansje. Someone who has always embraced life and shared freely everything that you had, be it personal possessions or knowledge and above all kindness. People sometimes looked at you strangely because they did not know that what you were telling them was not for them at that moment, but for who they would be later, when your words came back to them and they could understand the depth of your intuitive wisdom.

Your hands moved while you spoke because every word you spoke was true to your heart and beliefs and when it wells up from the source it simply requires that extra emphasis of physicality. Just like your legendary hugs.

Hang in there mom and I wish I could be there for the surgery but you know my responsibility to preserve Segev's wellbeing prevents me from doing so.


  1. Thinking of you and your family.

  2. I'm so sorry, Eric. It must be so hard not to be able to be there for your Mom. I haven't been able to visit my parents in Hungary for over 3 years now because of Izzy's condition, and I have this fear that I wont' be able to go back if something happens to them. Your Mom sounds like a special person and you captured her essence beautifully. Thinking of you and wishing you peace and strength. Hugs.

  3. kwombles, thank you for your thoughts.

    Erika, it seems everywhere we turn there are waves crashing down. Years ago I nearly drowned in the ocean but my brother knew what to do and came out without a scratch: he dove into the bottom of the wave!