March 08, 2013


When Segev was born and it began to be clear that something was terribly wrong with him the advice that we were given by physicians was, "make another baby, because there's no point in investing in this one."
I often wonder why I have such a difficult time seeing the concrete evidence of all these years of effort in fighting for my son, despite it being right in front of my eyes.
No one can say that I haven't lived in the moment of appreciation; I stood, drinking in every second in voracious gulps that only left me more thirsty. A consumption born of worry.
I proclaimed The Message, like some kind of evangelist, of what love means in the face of destitute hardship, ill health and transparent confusion, standing empty handed for years as I never stopped extending my hand in the hope for assistance.
And where there ought to be unrestrained exultation, tomorrow being Segev's 15th birthday, there is the realization that palliative love is also love.

The joy of holding him has been replaced with a quiet murmur of contentment as his heart continues beating, holding my tears in limbo with less of  'when?' and more of  'it's OK'.
His smiles fade and I punish myself, by looking at older pictures that do not reminisce, but taunt.

I realize that as he winds down I am letting myself believe there is little else; this self pity.
It will not do. He has brought awe into my life and I cannot forsake the strength of that connection.
It feels better, now, to have said these things, brought them out of the recesses of an isolated mind and be done with them. There is still time. Tomorrow, balloon's are in order.

as promised


  1. Oh Eric. Your words are so aching, it leaps from the screen. I am continuing to pray for strength for you and comfort for Segev.

  2. Seventeen years further down the road from you, I can look back over my shoulder and see you clearly, walking, walking, carrying your son. I'll turn and wave as you brandish those brave balloons.

  3. We'll add some balloons for Sophie as well, eighteen tomorrow. Happy Birthday to our Piscean loves.

  4. Beautiful reflections. I think I'm going to buy a balloon in honor of Segev this weekend. Happy birthday!!!

  5. The happiest of birthdays to Segev and a wish and acknowledgment of many, many more to come. Love does sustain, unconditional, unrequited love sustains forever. My wish is for a sustained quiet ride for the days to some...days of peaceful comfort.

  6. Thank you for your kind wishes.

  7. Belated Happy 15th Birthday to Segev. He has been in my thoughts these last few days. Constantly actually, for some reason. I wish you all peace for the coming days, months and years. That is all I can wish for you really, as you already know what LOVE is.

  8. Happy Birthday to Segev. Balloons are so perfect in every way.

  9. Beautiful birthday post for Segev, Eric. Thank you for sharing your son and for sharing your journey. Much love to Segev on his 15th birthday.